Taking the Longest Step

Tips for Successful Parent - Child Separation

by Dr. Patricia Gates Ulanet, Educational Psychologist at The River School

Separating can be one of the most challenging developmental milestones for parents as well as for children. As parents, we so want the day to go smoothly and our children to enjoy their time at school: making friends; playing; socializing and learning. We all want the quintessential preschool experience for our children. But when the day begins with tearful good-byes, we begin to question our wisdom as parents and ask ourselves “What am I doing to my child!?”  Then we struggle and worry the rest of the day as we envision our little ones sobbing through the preschool day!

Worry not! Separation is a normal, healthy and necessary developmental milestone, even when accompanied by tears. Just as children are highly unique individuals, their skills in mastering separation also differ. Some children separate easily with a kiss and hug good-bye as they go off to explore the wonders of their classroom. Others enter a little shy and uncertain and require some additional “warm up” time. Yet others will cling and cry and require extrication from mom or dad before wailing goodbye, and additional support from the teacher before settling into the school day routine. All of these reactions are normal and healthy. Each child deals with separation in their own way reflecting differences in temperament and personality.

The following are a few tips to facilitate the separation process for your child:

•    Prepare your child ahead of time by talking in simple terms about going to school, mommy and daddy leaving, and coming back for pick up.

•    If you walk your child in, explain that you will only be staying for a few minutes. Remind your child “I will be going in a few minutes.”

•    When you are leaving, say good-bye, remind them that you will be back at pick up time and go, even if there are tears. Your child will feel a sense of security when you do exactly what you say you will do.

•    Maintain a consistently firm, calm and positive attitude about separating.

•    Allow your child to take a security object with them; special toy, picture, etc.

•    Keep lines of communication between parents and teachers open.

Ultimately, your child’s sense of separation represents a step forward and an opportunity to foster new relationships. Your child is expanding his or her attachment bonds to include a wider circle of people and laying the foundation for continued healthy emotional development.